–Rubber Ducky Leaked–

Funny Jokes!!!

Posted on: May 24, 2012

Somethings you just never get enough of and they lighten up your life!

Take a minute and check these out 😀

  • If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
  • Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  • Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  • Son – “Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?”  Dad – “Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That’s confidential.”
  • An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

    He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

    The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

    “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.

    The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

    The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. “I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

    Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

    “I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

  • A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”
  • A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”
  • A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says “no, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”
  • A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
  • I went to the psychiatrist, and he says “You’re crazy.” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, “Okay, you’re ugly too!”
  • A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

    He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants s*x, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

    To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

  • I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

 

Share some of your own jokes and comment below 🙂 ENJOY

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